i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
