yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
