I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
