I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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