Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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