I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
