Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
