I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
