Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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