At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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