nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
why do cheetos always look like penises
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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