i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
