First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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