Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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