I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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