my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
