Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
did i walk over a car last night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
