Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
