A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
