Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
