Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
