I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
