True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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