You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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