my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
