Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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