i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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