I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
