woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
