remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
