Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Buhtt sex?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize