using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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