Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
