Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Boobs speak an international language.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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