The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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