I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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