So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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