dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
