so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
