I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
