Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
