I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
