youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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