4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
