I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
