I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
