I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
