I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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