You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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