a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
