My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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