I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I met the friendliest cop last night
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My vagina is officially offended.
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