Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
