Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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