Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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