just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
