dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I pour the whiskey from now on
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