Need sex. Gaining weight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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