You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
