OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
