3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
